the joy of living

I have made some amazing discoveries lately. No, not lost cities. Just lost Marjies. I have been doing some really difficult work. The kind where you can't really explain what you are doing because it is so fucking internal that no one gets it but you. I tried to tell a few people but, it just wasn't that important to them. It was my work and it was that important only to me. It started as working with/for clarity. I was just not very fucking happy and the Big Book tells me that when I am not happy there is something wrong with ME. So, since I had no clue what that might be...I started with clarity. Which turned into working with honesty. Yep. Being honest with myself came first. Kinda hit me hard, like a punch because I didn't realize I wasn't being honest with myself. After that, there was an amends I needed to make wherein I dragged another person into my self dishonesty (that's a whole 'nother blog) and hurt them. Then, I made this awesome discovery. Honesty leads to freedom which leads to peace, serenity, joy. I found that I wanted to live. The work was worth the price.
I discovered that running from yourself is really hard work and takes a lot of energy and sucks all the joy from life. When I stopped running I found my *still place in my belly* and peace. And a weight was lifted from me that I didn't even realize I was carrying. I thought i had it all worked out in a way that made everybody happy. Everybody but me. I was miserable.
Now, from clarity to honesty to freedom to joy. Let me remember this feeling in my bones. And the nastiness of dishonesty. Lest I forget how much dishonesty hurts and how hard it is to carry around.